Night Ride
By 144 Hertz
2:54 A.M. on the clock and I’m feeling a bit somber. I’ll be up for a couple more hours to game then make a pot full of ramen to knock me into a deep sleep until tomorrow afternoon.
I got to see my parents last night. They provided me with snacks and love (through words, no hugging or kissing) which is always a boost to morale. Pops doesn’t really leave the house, but Momma still has to go out for her treatments. Her lung cancer eats at my soul and I haven’t been the same person since that Sunday afternoon at Brownsboro Hospital where we got the news. In fact, just driving by the place bothers me since it’s also where my dad stayed after his heart attack.
We shared some laughs and I was on my way. I got back in the car with my snacks and turned on GUD VIBRATIONS by NGHTMRE. That song normally picks me way up and gets me excited about life. While pulling out of the driveway as the beat built, I decided to take a right instead of the left I would normally take to get back home. It was time for a joy ride.
I wanted to try to get lost in my own city. You know, take so many random lefts and rights that eventually I would find myself just…driving. Mindlessly vibing to good music and soaking in this rare exposure to the outside world.
But within minutes, this joy ride was devoid of joy.
An ambulance went zooming by me on Taylorsville with sirens blaring, infecting me with dark thoughts of who it may have been carrying. Is it a Covid patient? My mind immediately conjured up a future scenario in which this hypothetical patient was laying in a hospital bed gasping for their last breath. They hadn’t seen their family in weeks…and how could they have? This isn’t like some illnesses where you can hold your loved one’s hand in their final moments. The victims of this virus suffer and die alone.
I’ve seen the phrase living remotely before. But all I could think about for the remainder of my night ride was the phrase dying remotely. Are people going to resort to facetiming their loved ones as they are treated? Are last words going to be given virtually? These thoughts flooded my brain and neutralized any positivity my music was trying to inspire. I hit a quick U-turn and went home.
I had some ice cream and deli meat to sate my hunger then went back upstairs to my lair. Feeling a bit overwhelmed after the ride, splashing water on my face felt like a must. I really went for it. We’re talking like 8 splashes of cold ass water.
With my hands running through my beard I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Since I would be spending the next few months inside my house, I made the call a couple weeks ago to let my hair grow a bit to see what it looked like. It’s been straight razor for 4 years and holy fuck it needs to stay that way. There is probably a total of 16 hairs on the top of my head, with full growth along the edges. You know, the horseshoe look.
Bzzzzzz. Shing. Shing. All gone. Oh shit I’m lookin’ aight again. Time to game.
That brings us to the present. I’ll close with some thoughts.
I feel like there’s no consequences for my procrastination right now. Without seeing my advisor and professors in person, there’s very little motivation to do much of…anything. Sure they can contact me through e-mail, but life just feels like a free-for-all at the moment. Who knows what the future holds? As I touched on in my last entry, I worry that life won’t return to normal for a while. In the meantime, is it worth pursuing goals with so much uncertainty plaguing my future? The clear answer is “Yes. Stop being a lazy bag of dicks and get to work. You have a wonderful opportunity to pursue your goals with minimal distractions and when this all blows over, you’ll be ready to start your career.”
Even so, my mind seemingly blocks out that answer.
Is this just me making excuses? I really think it is. My daily life hasn’t changed too much from before Covid and I worry I’m just using the pandemic as an excuse to do nothing. I’ll try to be better. For my friends, for my family, and for me.
Stay in touch. Love you all.
