Oppressive Oceans, Privileged Pools
By 144 Hertz
Hi everyone, hope you’re well. It’s been a while since I made a post and the reasons why are numerous. Instead of going through all of them, I’m going to briefly discuss one in this entry. It’s something that’s been with me for about 20 months now, constantly varying in its intensity. I’m talking about depression, and hopefully I’m coming at it from an angle you’re not used to.
When I first started experiencing common symptoms of depression, I firmly brushed them off. My internal dialogue was something like, “No way I have depression, I’ve been given such a good life.” You see, I grew up with loving parents and an almost unbreakable financial safety net. I never had to worry about being hungry, always had the best friends, and whenever I wanted something material, it’s as if it magically appeared in my room within a week.
How could I be depressed? I’m just being a bitch, right?
Weeks went on. Laundry piled up. Dishes went uncleaned. I had no motivation to do anything besides eat and have HBO running all day to keep me from thinking about reality.
There were some bright spots… days when I would wake up committed to cleaning the house and getting a good workout in. But each bright spot was inevitably consumed by the ever-present darkness that I was beginning to accept: depression.
My work suffered, relationships suffered, and the myriad of family problems popping up one after another only served to make the darkness even darker. Disgusted and disinterested. That was how I felt about everything.
20 months after these feelings began, I can tell you now that things are… better. Those bright spots? They’re more frequent and longer lasting, as if provided by candles that burn all the way to the bottom instead of fizzling out early.
You may ask, “What changed?”
I came across a quote.
I was in the middle of another critiquing episode, asking questions such as:
“How could you be depressed after such a wonderful upbringing?”
“How could you be depressed with such a privileged life?”
“How dare you think you deserve to be depressed when so many less fortunate people go through life oppressed?”
Then I came across a message on the internet from an anonymous source.
“An ocean dwarfs a swimming pool, but they’ll both drown you all the same.”
I thought long and hard about this quote, meticulously picking through my emotions. Sure, my upbringing was great. Sure, I’ve been given every opportunity possible in this life. But depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, exacerbated by a relative and subjective perception of your own problems. This idea of relativity was the key to my acceptance.
This acceptance is what led to my more frequent rays of light. Once I accepted my feelings, it became easier to work through them. But before this acceptance, during the days and nights of laying in bed questioning my worthiness of depression, the healing process could never begin.
The ecosystem for my depressive emotions was and is a swimming pool. Not too big, couple Coronas next to the slide, and Billy Currington on the speaker causing ripples in the deep end.
The ecosystems for the depression of many others in this world are much vaster and more menacing. Think of the crashing ocean waves surrounding Azkaban in Harry Potter. These pertain to more oppressed and unfortunate livelihoods.
But the pool and the ocean, like the quote said, will drown you all the same.
If this post helps one person, then it was worth writing. The Covid pandemic, side-by-side with widespread injustice, have many feeling down about life. Perhaps similar thoughts are creeping into their heads, to the tune of “Am I… allowed to be depressed?”
My answer is yes. We’re in the pool chairs, beers in hand, just waiting to hear from you. Come on out.
